The shadow-side of the feminine

It’s interesting to think about what relationship patterns we pick up on via dynamics we see modelled around us. Sometimes we are influenced- consciously or unconsciously - by friends we observe (in short and long term relationships); sometimes by family members….. and then sometimes even by characters or people we see on Film & TV?   

I don’t really watch TV, but recently I got sucked in to watching the Aussie TV series called ‘The Block’, a renovation reality show where couples or partners are put under the  stress of competitively designing & building a house in 3 months. I became especially fascinated by the relationship dynamics between the contestants and saw some pretty cringe-worthy power dynamics that made me wonder if modern Australian society might actually accept these kind of dynamics as the norm in relating?

While I know there are plenty of tv edits to increase the drama on these kinds of show and certainly with cameras following each person’s every move, the show creates a stressful environment. But it’s under stress that we see underlying patterns surface. So I want to name some interesting shadow dynamics that appear between some of the couples, which play out in broader society.

Early in the season we see a lot of fighting between one couple - Paige & Jesse- where Paige (she) often criticises Jesse (he) for his choices or opinions, berates him and tantrums when things don’t go her way. When things do go her way, she rewards him with flattery and kisses. When things got stressful in the build, it seemed like Paige stirred up drama with her partner, maybe to deflect blame her partner or assert her need for control. Or maybe it was just a way to blow off steam? It got so bad between this couple, that they actually chose to leave the show, citing Paige’s mental health issues.

In a broader sense - this represents a shadow aspect of the feminine - where a woman misuses her will, emotions, sexuality and charisma to try to overpower and control another. Often this often involves her seeking to set the frame of reference for the relationship - asserting what is important in the relationship, what gets given priority.

Interestingly this kind of shadow control pattern played out for another couple on the show - Kylie & Brad. This couple ended up staying to the end, but from the beginning we see Kylie speak over Brad, stonewalling him whenever there was any sense of conflict and overtly punishing him (verbally and with silence) for any misattunement on his part. We see her rewards him with affection when things go her way, but often puts him down in front of others him when things don’t go her way. As the show amps up in stress we see her tantrum and swear more; and him contort himself to win her favour. She shows herself as a fierce mother who knows what she wants, and he offers himself in more of a submissive yet devotional role - which could actually be beautiful; but in the way it plays out on the show, it’s not.  

Certainly there is a beauty and strength when women can lead from a place of true inner strength. But it is a false power when there is a woman believes her emotional needs are more important than her partners and when she uses emotional blackmail to get her man to do what she wants. 

How much more powerful is it when a man and woman can stand together in a collaborative energy of mutual respect? 

One couple model this more collaborative approach on the show - Grant and Courtney. They demonstrate an ability to gently tease each other without hurting one another; they honour each other’s strengths; they listen and support one another when they talk. 

To stand together in strength as a couple, through the stressors that life inevitably brings - takes a lot of self-awareness, self-accountability and kindness. 

We need to nurture good habits in relationship that over-time support long-term growth.

Sometimes it takes some years to actually realise what work is required to walk together.

After the initial honeymoon phase transforms into more grounded reality, we might start to see what parts in our communication don’t work so well, we might notice there are some things that really annoy us about the other, we might see some patterns that were present in other relationships arise…….. 

This is really where the inner work takes place. 

It doesn’t need to be hard…. it just requires curiosity and openness to explore. 

And this is where a counsellor’s support can really guide the process of exploration and discovery.