Conscious Uncoupling

Is there a way to do a breakup well? Is “conscious uncoupling” a lofty ideal or is it possible to facilitate a peaceful and graceful parting of ways.  And why do most relationship break-ups tend to end in a storm of emotion and drama?   Although I don’t consider myself a person of high drama, while navigating the intense spectrum of emotions within my own breakup I did have my doubts as to whether ‘conscious uncoupling’ was actually possible or just a catchy title for a book (which does in fact exist). 

After a long term partnership, my separation from Tahir was a powerful & painful transition. We announced it publicly (on facebook) after our uncoupling ceremony here in Bali yet I think the process of uncoupling ‘consciously’ has taken many months.  This ‘process’ has included many challenging conversations and working through a wide range of feelings. We have have encountered dynamics coloured by pain and sadness, and at times there have been moments of resentment and confusion. I sometimes wondered if there was going to be a way through. Yet we chose to persist from a place of deep love & respect for one another, and a shared intention to create a new relationship that would be harmonious for our daughter. We have had to stretch to communicate better, to understand each other and to forgive each other. We have learnt to accept the choices each of us had made to enter new relationships, which in itself initiated rapid change and a unique intensity. There have been moments of breakdown, breakthrough & healing.

We humans are complex creatures and when our feelings are hurt, when our core wounds get triggered and when expectations are not met - things can certainly get wild. We are not always in perfect control of our emotions and so even with good intentions to be the best versions of ourselves, this isn’t always the case. It is humbling to look within at some of the disempowering patterns that create relational tension and it is not always easy to shift those patterns. 

Probably one of the most challenging aspects of our uncoupling was witnessing each other choose another in love, and ‘blossom’ in ways we had in fact yearned for in our own relationship. When I saw Tahir feeling met by his beloved in ways I hadn’t fully understood, what arose for me were stories of ‘not being enough’ and of feeling under appreciated. Looking deeper within though, I had to find a way to step over that threshold of self-doubt to realise a new way to connect with him. It required getting over my ego to actually lean in to understand another human more. We learned to meet in more real and vulnerable communication, probably something we had both wanted more of in our partnership.  And so as we travelled new territory we explored tools for conscious communication based on the personal study & trainings I had been doing. I set fairly high ideals for radical honesty and transparency. Sometimes he wasn’t able to meet those in the way I wanted. And then when I myself unexpectedly fell in love & surrendered my heart to a deep love, I realised it was not so easy to uphold my own ideals in communication. I admit I wasn’t always graceful in expressing all that needed to be shared. This created more frustration as he saw me offer a kind of devotion & playfulness to another man that he had himself yearned for. I know he had to work to also transform some difficult emotions in order to stay connected.

This is all quite personal to share, but maybe it helps show the real humanness of what we have been moving through. This experience has changed us, we have grown a lot. A break-up offers a profound opportunity to learn to transmute some of the energy of our big emotions into an energy of change and growth. Growth often requires a letting go and a dissolution of ego. The chaos of letting go of all that we have felt identified can feel intensely ‘unstable’. And so I would say support from friends and community can be really crucial so we don’t get stuck in strange loops. I’m very grateful to those who supported Tahir and I through these big times.

So…. within this context of uncoupling I would say that the term ‘conscious’ in conscious uncoupling refers to working through a break-up with a sense of mutual respect, self reflection & self-responsibility. It means each person owning their shit & finding ways to understand each other.  It means not bypassing difficult emotions and finding ways to move through them without getting stuck in blaming and shaming. 

Uncoupling is not well modelled in our society. Most happen behind closed doors, probably there often a lot of pain and/or shame in the mix. But I do believe that a break-up or divorce is very much a ‘rite of passage’ - it marks a very significant life change in our adult life. 

Although I hadn’t experienced an uncoupling ritual before, I knew it was important mark this transition with a specific ceremony to honour the life Tahir and I had shared for so long and also to set intentions for our continued connection. I pondered how to properly acknowledge the transition in our community. Initially I had a conversation with a divorce ‘celebrant’ (@Maya Krysna) about potential formats for this kind of ‘modern’ ritual and then later I connected with our friend Ketut (a Balinese priest & community ritualist) to ask if he would be open to guide a special ceremony for uncoupling. In Bali divorce is not culturally or socially accepted so he hadn’t done this before. Yet, defying convention, he went to his elders to see what sort of rituals would be appropriate. Together we weaved different rituals that included prayer, a water cleansing and a cutting of chords (symbolically with wool). All of these felt meaningful and we had the opportunity to pause and look at each other with a pure expression of love. We expressed our gratitude to each other in front of 10 friends who were there to witness the ceremony, including each of our beloveds and our 7 year old daughter. I shed tears in the realisation of the ending of this profound cycle in our lives and the blessings that have supported us to be in this continued connection. It was heartbreaking and also very beautiful. We opened up the space for our friends to share their reflections after the ceremony. Some said it was profound to witness something so different from the hidden separations their parents went through when they were children.  The ceremony (& the rituals within it) offered a way for us all to drop into a deeper space of presence, an opportunity to anchor this shift in our lives and a way to energetically create space for our new relationships. It was also a way for us to honour the relationship we had shared with dignity and to call in strength for the path forward. The rituals offered a doorway bring in an energy of reciprocity & connection with Spirit. 

I do acknowledge that the path forward asks for an ongoing courage in communication and being sensitive to what is moving in each other’s hearts.

Over the years we have both made many significant compromises to support each other, and it is my continued prayer that we can continue to support each other and reflect on what we offered each other with a sense of respect & love. Its not always sunshine & roses, things still feel tender at times. 

I guess the point of this post is share my own experience of realisation, dissolution and growth through this breakup. It is also to honour Tahir for the beautiful & generous man he is and to offer my sincere gratitude for the ways he is supporting my love for Lucas, as painful as it has been. In his own words: “There was an inevitable heart-break in witnessing the woman I’ve loved so deeply follow the calling of another’s heart, though I couldn’t deny the beauty of their true love. “ 

Perhaps one of the things I have been coming more to terms with is that we are always changing and so our relationships too also change. To love is to also accept  some level of impermanence. The social & cultural norms that ask us to partner with one partner for life (which makes sense in many ways, especially in raising children) is not the only way.  In this new era, blended families are more common and we have more choice that ever before to follow our personal truth. Although there is a genuine inkling towards security & comfort, love asks us to be honest to the passionate truth of the heart and to surrender to the wild unpredictability of life. It also asks us to do the work! I’m not advocating for us to leave when things get uncomfortable. Rather I suggest seeking support, using tools for authentic communication and allowing yourself to be shaped and moulded by the wisdom that we learn together in this dance of relationship.