Can we really Overcome the craziness of Jealousy in Intimate Relationships?
Jealousy - what a slippery emotion in the realm of relationships. It’s the one that sneaks in before I notice, creating an unexplained spark of fire, or twist of contraction in my belly or in larger expressions - a chaotic flurry of emotional confusion. It can feel primal, instinctual, protective, or just tender. And I’m super curious to untangle the web, to explore the shadow of this ‘normal’ human emotion, which probably shows up a little different in women & men based on our ancestral biology.
Evolutionary psychology tells us that jealousy emerged as a hypersensitive defence mechanism against the genetically ‘disastrous’ possibility of having one’s partner stray from monogamy. This is still relevant in some ways. Women, especially those with children, often have that instinct of protecting against being abandoned. Men perhaps still have that instinct to be the alpha or feel assured in the superiority of his genes. This biology is less relevant for modern women who are more self-sufficient in being able to provide for themselves, and perhaps also less relevant for the man who is less pressured to assert the continuity of his lineage. Yet it still lives in us.
So beyond biology, is jealousy then more associated with insecure attachments or anxious personalities? Is it just a self esteem thing? A normalised neurotism? Or does jealousy point to an inevitable sense of self-centredness & a pattern of the ego’s clinging?
One way I make sense of the world is by looking to the yogic perspective on human psychology. Yoga & Tantric Buddhism speaks of the kleshas. These are mental states that cloud the mind (disturb the mind) and manifest in unwholesome reactions/actions. Kleshas relate to states of mind such as anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, desire (coming from tendencies towards attachment & clinging) . They render our body-mind restless, they create suffering, they disturb our hearts & minds. The more we are grasping, the more it generates negative emotions. Sound familiar?
So how can yoga help us manage and deal with these ‘disturbances’? Yoga is a process of remembering the pure essential nature of the mind and the teachings explain how we can work to ‘master’ our emotions so we are not tossed around in the ocean of ‘samsara’ (the cycle of existence).
Some of the points in this practice involve:
1 - Creating the space to see these disturbances and create some distance to not be hooked. We recognise the ‘impulse
2 - It is not ‘reject’ the emotion, rather we allowing ourselves to feel it, and then utilise tools to dissipate & transmute that energy.
3 - We try to develop a ‘cooling’ quality of calm in order find control the tendency to recycle the emotion.
In the case of the more common emotion like anger, we could see how we could apply this approach. As we are triggered we recognise that we are feeling an inner heat, a building of energy, we catch the impulse to lash out, we breath deeply, we take some time out…. etc.
In buddhism an additional step, the antidote to the emotion of jealousy, involves cultivating a sympathetic joy for others (delight in their happiness, loving kindness).
But if jealousy arises within intimate partnership - could we apply these steps? This is certainly more tricky. I might notice the impulse, the heat or the contraction. I might be able to witness is from a place of emotional distance, but could I really find a sympathetic joy if my partner or even ex-partner finds a sensuous or emotional joy or connection with another person? The word ‘compersion’ has evolved to refer to “the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves”, thus it is quite opposite to jealousy.
Could I really let go of my self-centredness & break through the ultimately false duality between self and other. For most of us the immediate reaction to our partner finding ‘joy’ (attraction, arousal) with another is often a contracting fear, anger (even rage), and not one of expansive openness and love. But here is the place I find myself leaning in to explore.
The practice is then to not let myself be enveloped in the fear of being abandoned, the sense of not being enough and the trap of comparison. I emphasise, its a practice.
Is it possible to free embodied love from possessiveness, fears of abandonment, unworthiness, engulfment - and open to new possibilities for the expression of love.
If one person in a relationship experiences ‘attraction’ to another person - this is a powerful opportunity to explore this shadow, that would otherwise get swept under the carpet. It can be useful to receive support from a coach/counsellor to explore this theme. It requires that we don’t use spiritual bypassing to avoid dealing with emotions that arise, it requires vulnerability & mutual support and it requires a commitment to being responsible for looking within.
Some people explore non-monogamy as a ‘practice’ - but it is a very delicate balance to establish safety and non-attachment in non-monogamous forms of relationship. And I say this from experience.
In other case - sometimes we find ourselves jealous of an ex-partner who is starting to share energy with another person. It can push all our buttons and threaten to sabotage any self-healing we have done! But this again is an opportunity to stretch beyond our conditioning and our ordinary perspectives on what love is.
This article was published here:
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/05/can-we-really-overcome-the-craziness-of-jealousy-in-intimate-relationships/